Depression: What Not To Say

Depression: What Not To Say 

(aka Words Can't Hurt You? Yeah Right. Of Course They Do.)

(aka Please Just Stop. Staahhhp.)

So, I got meeeeself into a mess.

I had just gotten back from a shift a Saint Al's and Winco when I was lazily scrolling through my little Facebook-sidebar thing, glancing at whatever looked interesting. I'm a member of the LDS SMILE Youth Group page (don't ask me why because I don't know either. When was the last time I went to church? Not sure), and saw that a Facebook friend liked someone's post, and I clicked on it.

That probably was a poor decision, because now I'm slightly considering deactivating my FB for a while and I can't bring myself to look at my mounting notifications. How did I get from there to here? My opinions. If you haven't noticed from my blog title, I just really have a hard time keeping my opinions to myself. I can't keep my opinions to myself. True, at school in some classes I'm the opposite of assertive, and I usually don't go into "preach-mode" with people, but if you strike a nerve my thoughts usually start bubbling out of my mouth (or typing fingers) at an amazing, slightly horrifying speed. After reading through this certain post, oh, about five times, I noticed my brain was already coming up with sentences to rebuke this person and his controversial/offensive opinion.

Only now after simmering for an hour and a half (and after compiling the screenshots and memes) have I realized that I hate people who do what I just did. I frequent fMh, and can't stand the comment-trolls who go to that website just to contend with and defeat others in a "holier-than-thou" (and "smarter-than-thou") attitude. Even though I believe that this guy is seriously out of the norm when it comes to opinions on this subject, I feel kind of bashful about it now knowing that I acted like the typical kind of person I dislike, believing that I'm totally right and there is no way in the world or universe that I'm wrong. Even so, I do not excuse my opinion, only the way and method that I shared it. I tried my hardest to be polite, though inside I was pretty dang mad. So now I will do this the right way and turn it into a blog post. I will start off with the original post.

If you want to read a few of the comments I found to be important, they're at the bottom of this post (with a few meme faces thrown in... I had to make it more interesting). 

"I hope I don’t regret posting this. It’s very long, but I think it is worth reading, if not for agreement then for hearing out a new idea. I apologize for the intrusion when much of the conversation has already taken place, but I feel like I have a different angle on a side that hasn’t been truly considered. Okay, I don't want to be contentious or anything, but truthfully, this just kinda shocked me with the black-and-white facts that, even so, you did a good job of clearly presenting. I do realize your point though; It's like when people complain that they failed math because they had a bad teacher. Though a teacher has a lot to do with what you learn, ultimately it is your choice on whether you are going to work for it, and it is not completely the teacher's fault if you fail. Like what [One of the Previous Guy Commenters] said, you choose your attitude, no one else does, and I’ve read a quote that says “Happiness does not depend on what’s outside of you, but what’s inside of you”, and for many people that’s true. But seriously, how can someone who is harassed and tormented every single day, assailed from all sides without a break or helpful hand, be expected to just “let it go”? Have you seen the bullying video that *the church* produced, where a girl is bullied and made fun of consistently at school, and where another girl is cyberbullied by someone saying things to her that no one should ever have to hear or read? It truly affected their lives, and is it really your idea that if they just ignored it and let it bounce off, they’d be fine; that they shouldn’t take something as “superficial” as words seriously?  Do you believe that in high school or middle school, bullying victims should just go through the halls trying to prepare themselves and try to mentally put on a suit of armor, hoping that today the things that their bullies and tormentors say will just bounce off if they have the right attitude? I realize that after a certain point, some people overplay things and act victimized, and that isn’t right; no one should try and use the position of victim to their advantage. But that does mean that words can affect you.

[Original Poster's Name], you said that “if you believe words can hurt you, then you already failed yourself. You fell for Satan’s trap and gave up the idea that you have agency.” You also said, “[Blue Guy in the Comments I Posted Below] you used your agency and chose to be hurt. You control your emotions. Your emotions dont control you.” As someone who suffers from depression, I find those sentences and ideas misinformed and maybe slightly insulting. Again, I’m not trying to be too terribly contentious but with a subject like this many people have strong feelings. Anyways, does that mean that since I have depression, I’m stuck in Satan’s trap and have no agency? There are certain things under our control, and certain things not under our control, as all people must learn throughout life.  ***I’m not saying that depressed folks don’t have negative, pessimistic thought patterns. Of course they do — they  tend to obsess, ruminate, and nit-pick. But blaming an illness entirely on the way they think just isn’t cool, because it puts the bulk of the “blame” for their depression squarely on their own shoulders. There’s a big difference between feeling sorry for yourself (which you are correct in assuming that it is a thought pattern that should be and can be changed) and struggling with depression (which may be caused by more than just one’s own thought pattern, such as a physiological, true-blue chemical imbalance), although sometimes the two go hand in hand.***   

If I’m depressed, and someone starts bullying me, am I supposed to just hold my shoulders high and take it?

If words are not positive and uplifting the situation, in many instances it is negative and pushes things down, making the situation worse. Freshman year I was in a PE class. One day these boys came up to me and asked me why my arm looked kind of weird, why I had scars on it. At the time I believed that if someone asked me they deserved the truth, and that self-harm was a struggle that I had bravely fought and won, and I was proud of that. I told them that I used to cut myself. That was the worst decision I could have possibly made. Every. Single. Day. they tormented me, telling me that I should just go kill myself and that I shouldn’t have children because I was so messed up and disgusting. They called me a f…….... emo (I apologize for the assumed meaning of the word that you could probably be thinking right now), and somehow got a girl in the locker room to shove razor blades and those red ink Bic pens through the holes of my PE locker. They were both behind me in the attendance line so every other day I had to deal with them whispering things to me, calling me every demeaning and insulting name in the high school book, asking me whether I was going to slit my wrist or my throat when I finally listened to them and killed myself. 

 It made every other day a living hell for me. I faked sick to stay home a few times just to get a small break, a small reprieve. I don’t want to keep going on about this, and I apologize if I made it sound like some sob story and made it sound like it’s completely those boys’ fault that I was depressed. It wasn’t their entire fault, but their words, and actions, and decisions contributed negatively to my depression. But even so, please don’t say that words technically and literally don’t hurt me because they’re just a non-concrete, abstract idea.

Let’s think of some hypothetical situations: “You should toughen up.” Saying that to a depressed person completely trivializes and invalidates their feelings at the same time. “You have so much to be thankful for, so why let bullying and nasty words get to you? They can’t actually hurt you.” This does not contain the magical key to one’s mental health. Someone with a chemical imbalance in their brain going around reciting the things they are blessed to have doesn’t change the fact that they have a chemical imbalance that can be treated by medication.  Stress is a physiological condition as well as a psychological one. When you’re stressed you release what is commonly called the “stress hormone”, cortisol. Cortisol and your endocrine system are controlled by the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus also plays a role in “social defeat” (you can wikipedia it, but it sounds fairly self-explanatory) and the physical effects of humiliation in one’s body. (I may be full of crap since I pretty much stole all of that sciency stuff from Wikipedia, but I'm pretty sure it's correct).

 I’m a science nerd, so that might not make too much sense, but the main point is that **outside factors do indeed affect inside functions. You may believe that words can’t hurt you, but though in a literal sense that is the case, it is not the case when you bring feelings and psycho-physiological factors into the picture**. I have a diagnosed mental/personality disorder, called a “Major Depressive Disorder”, or commonly known as clinical depression or recurrent depression. I have been in a psychiatric hospital twice, and trust me, that is something that is definitely not a joke and it really isn’t a picnic, either. I have to go to an *actual* doctor to get meds to try and straighten chemicals and things up in my brain. In cases like that, **depression is not a choice**. (I feel as if I’m overusing the asterisks, but oh well.)

[Original Poster's Name], you are correct with your concrete use of and literal definitions that state that words alone do not make you do something or make you act a certain way. But as with the case of many things, theoretical ideas do not always translate black-and-white in this real, ever-changing world. Words affect feelings, which in turn affect behavior and ideas. There’s no way around it.

 Well, that's it. 

Right now I'm thinking, "guys, guys, come on!" If words didn't hurt, then it'd be okay to go around telling people that they're ugly, that they suck, that they should kill themselves, that no one loves them. That should just sum everything up. You can act like you're invincible, that you're Iron Man or the Tin Man or whatever and that insults and name-calling just bounce right off of you. But we're not robots. (Well, at least, I'm assuming we all are. But I could be wrong; I guess you never know what's out there reading this...)We're all different. We're strong in different ways. We're humans. 

Here are the outtakes/deleted scenes:

 

How 'bout we all just be nice to each other? Okay? I agree to be nice. Well, to try at least. To everyone. Even when it's hard. It's so sad that bullying has become such a problem. I feel like a hippie or something, but come on. Don't make me quote Thumper from Bambi here. Anyone with me?

I'm coming out... as a Mormon Feminist

I am very tempted to come out as a Mormon Feminist.

Oh, wait, you're reading this, so I guess by writing this I'm doing so. Man, this is only my first day of this blog, and I'm already dropping the bomb.

I'm warning you that this is going to be VERY long, but at least try to read the last seven paragraphs if you get bored of that long list.

What is a Mormon Feminist? Here's a couple of paragraphs from mormonfeminist.org:


What is feminism?
Simply put, feminists want equality for everyone, women and men. Feminists advocate for everyone to have the same opportunities in life - politically, economically, and socially.
Secularly, feminism is an ongoing conversation. While equality is the overall goal of feminism, feminists can disagree over what “equality” means and how to achieve this goal. This is because feminists are all different: they are made up of people from different cultures, countries, races, sexual orientations, religions, economic backgrounds, political parties, religions, genders, ages, etc. Feminism is not one organized movement, but a shared ideal.

What is Mormon feminism?
Mormon feminism shares the goal of equality that feminism has, but within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and within LDS culture. Like general feminism, Mormon feminism is made up of a very diverse group of people. Mormon feminists also do not always agree on what “equality” means or how to get there, but they are all invested in the ongoing conversation. We love to share experiences, discuss ideas, and support one another.

So, why am I identifying myself as a Mormon feminist?

Because I want equality. Because I want change. Here's an interesting campaign I found from one of my new favorite websites, feministmormonhousewives.org (the actual web address is http://whatwomenknow.org/all_are_alike/). (I hope they don't mind me copying and pasting.)


All Are Alike Unto God

As Mormon women, we call upon the First Presidency, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, and Relief Society General Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to thoughtfully consider and earnestly pray about the full integration of women into the decision-making structure of the Church and the question of women’s ordination.

In the interim, we join many others in suggesting some simple changes in institutional policy that will foster a more equitable religious community:

• Encourage partnership in marriage and eliminate the idea that husbands preside over their wives.
  
  
• Create parity in the Young Women and Young Men organizations through equivalent budgets, educational programs (leadership, career, and spiritual training,) and activities (sports, service, and outdoor events).
  
  
• Balance the stories and images of boys and men in church publications, talks, and other media with stories and images of girls and women.
  
  
• Invite women in Church leadership positions to speak and pray during General Conference in numbers equal to the participation of men.
  
  
• Encourage leaders to use gender-inclusive language whenever possible.
  
  
• Recognize that girls and boys, women and men are equally responsible for appropriate sexual behavior, and avoid reducing morality to sexuality, and modesty to a preoccupation with women’s and girls’ clothing.
  
  
• Instruct bishops to refrain from asking Church members probing questions about sexual practices and experiences.
  
  
• Call women to perform pastoral counseling, particularly for women and girls who have been sexually abused.
  
  
• Choose a General Relief Society Presidency and General Board that reflect the diversity of viewpoint and circumstance in the Church, and establish frequent meetings between the First Presidency and the General Relief Society Presidency.
  
  
• Include the Stake Relief Society President in Stake Presidency meetings, and appoint women to meet with the High Council.
  
  
• Delegate more expansive supervisory authority to the Stake and Ward Relief Society, Young Women, and Primary presidencies, including approval of personnel, programs, and activities.
  
  
• Include women among stake and ward leaders who hear evidence and offer judgment in Church disciplinary councils.
  
  
• Include the local Relief Society president in all bishopric meetings, and rotate the planning of Sacrament services among the Relief Society president and members of the bishopric.
  
  
• Examine all Church positions to determine whether they can be filled without regard to gender.
  
  
• Appoint women as presidents of Church universities and heads of administrative departments. 
  

• Expand hiring practices in the Seminaries and Institutes of Religion and within the religion departments at Church universities to provide women the same placement, advancement, and tenure opportunities as men.

• Call young women as well as young men to serve missions at the same age and for the same length of time, and afford women the same opportunity as men to function as district leaders, zone leaders, and assistants to the president.
  
  
• Lift the prohibition on women's participation in the blessing of their children.
  
  
• Change temple marriage policies so that men and women have equal opportunity to be sealed to their second spouses after they are widowed or divorced.
  
  
• Consider further wording changes to temple ceremonies and ordinances such that both men and women make the same covenants and enjoy the same promises.
  
  
• Recognize women as witnesses for baptisms and marriage sealings.
  
  
• Restore the former institutionally-accepted practice of women giving blessings of healing and comfort.

Written September, 2012

I found the italicized ones the most important to me when it comes to equality. I know I'll probably get a lot of crap out there for putting this post, but I've been struggling for months now. I have to admit that I was this close to actually leaving the church. I was torn in half. I have grown up all my life in this church, and I believe so much of it. Should I just continue being the good-girl-attending-church-and-seminary-and-doing-Personal-Progress-and-staying-in-comfortable-silence-of-agreement or break apart and totally go off the deep end? I couldn't decide. I was literally split in half. But for a past few years, I've been realizing the kicker: There is not equality. And now that I have made that full realization, I know that I now do not have to choose either of those two decisions listed above. I am instead choosing a third option: Activism and voice for change. I hope this might solve or at least alleviate this heart-wrenching cognitive dissonance.

The church is governed in a mostly patriarchal way of leadership. I mean in no way, shape, or form to be disrespectful to any church leaders or any members of church administration whatsoever, but this is wrong. A good leader(ship) needs to represent all kinds of people it presides over. Sure, there are all kinds of men of different ethnicities, ages, and languages in the church leadership. Heck, we even have a German in the First Presidency (our well-beloved Pres. Uchtdorf). But the members of the church are not fairly represented. There are no women in any major decision-making positions in the church leadership. Sure, there's the General Relief Society Presidency, General Relief Society Board, General Young Women Presidency, and General Primary Presidency, but it seems to me all they do is visit places all over the world, give interview for PR, give a couple of talks in General Conference, and maybe get to go to a few meetings with the Prophet and Apostles. That is not equality. And I want equality in every single activity I participate in.

I remember reading somewhere that men and women are equal, but different. That's a good thing, in theory. But in practice, I believe that the "different" part is made to outweigh the "equal" part. This is one thing that desperately needs to be changed.

I fully and completely agree with every single point in the "All Are Alike Unto God" campaign. And that makes me very different from my family, and probably many members of my ward and community. I'm on the Seminary Council, for heaven's sake! Am I being a good example? Is my position of being a Mormon Feminist putting me in danger of losing this calling, or of being chastised by my Bishop? I don't know. But what I do know is that this is what I believe in. And I will not hide or keep this inside anymore. I will not continue to follow blindly. I love this church, and believe in it. But some things need to be changed.

"Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient until man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself." -2 Nephi 2:27 

 

"And it came to pass that he rent his coat; and he [Moroni] took a piece thereof, and wrote upon it—In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our wives, and our children—and he fastened it upon the end of a pole. And he fastened on his head-plate, and his breastplate and his shields, and girded on his armor about his loins; and he took the pole, which had on the end thereof his rent coat, (and he called it the title of liberty) and he bowed himself to the earth, and he prayed mightily unto his God for the blessings of liberty to rest upon his brethren, so long as there should a band of Christians remain to possess the land..." -Alma 46:12-13

 I believe that our all-knowing God is one of freedom, and liberty. If He is a God of freedom and liberty, is he not a God of equality?

I hope that I will not offend anybody by these opinions. I consider myself a pretty darn good writer, but it seems that whenever I write something pretty intense, I end up getting in trouble. Hell, I even was involved in an unfortunate writing incident that got me pulled out of the middle of a Stake Young Women's Recognition Night in the chapel to be taken to the police station in 8th grade (another completely different story that makes me want to laugh my head off and cry simultaneously every single time I think about it). But I believe writing is one of my special talents or gifts I have been given from God, and I fully intend to use it.

-Kelsey

Introduction

So, this is my first blog post. Not exactly sure what to put on this one, but I have plenty ideas for future posts. I think the main reason why I made this blog is that I want to join the ranks of LDS apologists, feminists, liberals, etc. and see if there's anyone out there who agrees with my theories and ideas. Or I just feel like whining over the unfair aspects of my life and the world. Probably a little of both. Do I have legitimate reason to address these issues, or am I just being a whiny, rebellious teen who thinks too much? I don't know. I'll let that be for you to decide. But what interests me the most is the mentality of some of the members of the church, especially the ones with the black-and-white thinking. Everything is black and white with absolutely no gray. It is either right or wrong. Obeying or sinning. What they don't realize is that you're just as much of a hypocrite if you're following the letter of the law but destroying the spirit of the law in doing so.

Many members of the church assume there are straightforward and clear guidelines for EVERYTHING. But that's not true. These "guidelines" were assumed to be written in stone by the Church leaders, but really they just began as unwritten cultural rules that became so widespread that now everyone just assumes that they're church doctrine. For example: "[...]Young women should avoid short shorts and short skirts" ( pg. 7, For the Strength of Youth 2011 edition). How many times in my life have I heard the "if your dress or skirt is 2 inches above the knee, it's too short" or even "your knees have to be covered"? I don't remember there being an official church publication telling us the exact length our dresses or skirts have to be (now, I may be wrong here, so feel free to correct me), so I'm assuming this is a cultural thing that, again, has become so widespread that it has began to be accepted as an official standard of appropriate dress. And what about cultural shaming that can be very common in LDS families and communities? And the unhealthy messages of human sexuality that can be accidentally-or-not-so-accidentally sent to the children and youth of the church, again partially leading back to the whole "modesty" idea.

Okay, I have to stop myself before I go off on the whole "modesty" tangent, and how it's doing the opposite of the desired effect of preventing sexualization (is that even a word?) of the females of the church by their clothing choices, and how it's being taught in Young Women's and Primary in an extremely unhealthy way, how our self-worth and access to the Spirit is not dependent on whether we wear a shirt with sleeves or not, etc. But trust me, I'm going to have a lot more on that later. I've done probably waaay too much research on this topic. Hopefully I'll be able to drag myself away from this topic to maybe focus on other topics :)

Another interesting reason I like to address is the judgmentality (that's a word, right?) of church members. Oh man, this probably isn't sounding good to those of you reading this. I'm not trying to say that a lot of the members of the church are judging people outrightly by their lifestyle, clothing, personal choices, etc. but that it's much more subtle, almost in a way of not judging at all, but it's still there. Is this making any sense? I have a problem of just kind of rambling like this, because the idea sounds perfectly right in my head, but I can't seem to get it out in words the right way.

I've read a lot of very interesting and thought-provoking articles from other blogs, which I'd like to post, but since I'm new to this whole blogging thing I'm not sure about copyright and author citation and all that stuff *sigh*. For now I'll probably just post links to them, because since I have no idea what I'm doing I figure that's the best way not to get sued or something like that. I'd better get to sorting out this website, so over and out.
-Kelsey