"I feel unequal because..."

Okay, so bear with me here as I try to type flat-fingered. If I mess up my nails... *mutter* *mutter*

Anyways, I was doing just some random web surfing (well, for me it's never random when you involve Google), and I found a really interesting article from... Gahhhh, sorry, I have 83 tabs open (I'm seriously not kidding. I even just counted them all. Firefox is going to crash any minute, let me tell you), so let me actually try and find the page it was one. There we go. I found it on Religion Dispatches, and here's the link.

Okay, at first, it mostly just talks about an interview of the ladies who created the idea for "Wear Pants to Church Day" and why they decided to advocate it. (Full disclosure: I think that it's perfectly fine for women to wear pants to church, as long as they aren't hole-filled jeans or anything. The church doesn't have anything written in the doctrine against it. So go ahead. I don't think we need to make a big deal out of it, though. I myself wouldn't wear pants to church, just because I have a couple of really favorite dresses, and I don't have any dress pants. Moving on.)

Then, the question is asked, How do you define gender inequality in the LDS Church? Those who don’t understand Mormon feminism often reduce the issue to the question of women’s ordination. But for Mormon feminists, it can be more complicated.

[Note: there is a huge list, and I'm not sure if it was written by one women, or many. I don't think I'm going to copy and past it all here, but I'll sure put the ones that I think are important. If you want to read them all, there's a link to it from the article to ldswave.org, where the list originally came from. BTW, to make this seem less long, I'm going to put my comments in blue after each statement, instead of all of them at the end.]

“I feel unequal when callings that don’t necessitate the priesthood are given only to men: Sunday School Presidency, Brigham Young University Presidents, Church Education Commissioners, Ward Mission Leaders, recommend takers at the Temple, etc. (Similarly, men are not currently called in Primary Presidencies and could be.)” That's what I've been wondering lately. For example, my dad is the Ward Mission leader, and pretty much all he does is visit inactive people with another person or more. True, he has meetings with the sister missionaries, and the male ward missionary and the female ward missionary, but seriously, I can see a woman doing the same job that he's doing. Seriously, he's like a visiting teacher for inactive people.

“I feel unequal when my value is primarily linked to being a wife and mother rather than by being a child of God.” I have my own divine destiny, and have the ability to make the decisions that I believe will be better for me. I want to be respected in the same way as stay-at-home moms even if I have a career. There are excellent, amazing mothers out there who work, and more excellent and amazing women who aren't married and don't have children, even if they're elderly. The point is, we came here to be tested. We came here to make our own decisions. I don't want someone telling me how to pass Heavenly Father's test here on Earth, when I know that I can make all the right decisions whether I'm married and a mother or not.

“I feel unequal when males handle 100% of the Church finances.” Again, what is the point of only guys doing this? I'm pretty sure that women aren't inept and ignorant when it comes to money and accounting and budgeting. In my family, my mom takes care of all the bills and finances, bank accounts and credit cards. You don't need to have a Y chromosome to be able to do that.

“I feel unequal when I am taught at church that my husband presides in my family, he is the head, and all things being equal, he has the final say.”
“I feel unequal when people preach that men and women are completely equal and in the same breath say the above sentence.” My entire life, even as a kid, I've never gotten that. We are told that men and women are equal before the eyes of God, but yet this entire list shows the inequalities. We are told that men and women are equal but different, and that's right. But that doesn't mean that we can't serve and do things in the same capacity as men can. [*cue Rosie the Riveter*]

I feel unequal because even one of the most inherently female-dominated time periods, having a new baby, is publically displayed at church in an all male ritual of the baby blessing. Okay, okay, I get it, men have the priesthood, women don't. Men give blessings, including baby blessings, women don't. But come on now, can't you at least have the mom hold the baby while it's being blessed? Or would that send the message that women are participating in priesthood activities? Oh, the church wouldn't want that, would they?

I feel unequal when cub scouts and boy scouts have a larger budget (they are allowed to do fundraising- although this might be a local issue) than achievement days and Young Womens and thus, they often have better activities. I thought that the church's official stance was not to do fundraisers for stuff, besides Boy Scouts (which is a completely separate organization chartered by the church), but for Girl's Camp, we do fundraisers every year! Selling cookie dough or making corsages. Still, the scouts actually go around asking for money. While we young women can just stick with the budget, I guess.

I feel unequal when fathers and mothers are encouraged to fulfill primary roles to provide and nurture, but only the fathers are given the freedom to seek out the best way for them to provide, whereas, mothers are told the best way for them to nurture—to be stay at home moms. Like in my last blog posts. Can't men stay home and care for children in the same capacity as women? What if a woman has better education than her husband, and therefore get a better job to provide for the family? If the guy doesn't want to stay home and take care of the kids because it demeans/insults his manhood, he'd better take his half of the kids' genetic make-up back, then.

I feel unequal when men teach me that being a stay at home mother is the most important thing a person could do, and yet most of them do not do it. Like above. I wish there was a day or a year or something when the guys had to stay home and take care of the kids while all of the ladies went out to work or do whatever. That would certainly give them a different side of the equation, wouldn't it? Again, if they didn't think that taking care of the kids was important enough for them, or think that taking care of the kids was below them, that would probably be the most hypocritical thing in the world.

I feel unequal because church disciplinary courts are made up of solely men and there are no female voices in the very sensitive matters of church discipline. There we go. If, for example, a woman has an abortion, please!! Get another lady in there to be a part of the proceedings. There is a severe emotional side to getting an abortion, and it can be very guilt-wracking. Just having another woman there to hear everything and help decide would probably help things out a lot. Not that I'm trying to advocate this because women might be easier on another woman then guys. I'm just saying that it would make it more comfortable for a female subject of the disciplinary action [just speculating here], along with making it more equal.

I feel unequal when women have to talk to men about their sins, especially sexual ones, and have no other church sanctioned options.
I feel unequal when there are no checks and balances for females who experience abuse in the system. While abuse may be rare, it is terrifying that women have no resources to go to outside of the male hierarchy. I thought these two went together pretty well. It would be awkward enough for a woman to confess a sin like that to anyone, let alone a guy! I know that the bishop is supposed to act like a liaison between the ward members and Heavenly Father, but still. Plus, women who have been abused or raped? They definitely might not feel comfortable talking to a guy. Alone. In an office with a closed door. Jus' sayin'. I am not suggesting that Bishops would do anything inappropriate, but again, for the sake of comfort. I have a friend who was sexually abused, and feels very, extremely uncomfortable alone around men, and just being around adult males in general. It's not a "suck-it-up,-buttercup" type of situation. It's emotional trauma that should be given special consideration.

I feel unequal when young girls are taught about modesty and chastity from older men, especially because females make decisions about these things for very different reasons than males. I wear tank tops BECAUSE IT CAN GET REALLY HOT OUTSIDE. I wear sleeveless dresses because I think some of them are cute. I do not, according to the guys, wear it because I want to be suggestive. I do not wear them to cause guys to have inappropriate thoughts. I wear them for simple, logical, and perfectly fine reasons. "Better safe than sorry" is not a good enough reason for me not wear tank tops or strapless prom dresses, etc. when most of the world wears them without getting raped or ending up having sex. I admit that some clothing can be suggestive, but for heaven's sake, when a little girl wears a bikini or a teenager wears a tank top, that should NOT be the reason that initiates sexual thoughts.

I feel unequal when men speak at Relief Society and Young Women’s meetings, but women never speak in priesthood meetings. The Bishopric comes in to talk in YW all the time! But that's probably because there's no one higher in authority that happens to be female. While is also the reason why no women ever get to sit in Young Men's classes. We get the Bishopric's opinion on lessons all the time, but of course the teenage guys wouldn't want to get an opinion coming from a female on a lesson.

I feel unequal because men and women can be sealed to different numbers of people. Not cool, man. Not cool.

This kind of hits home close to me. When I explain this at first, it may seem to be the opposite type of situation, but trust me, I'll get there.

My mom's dead. My dad's still sealed to her. My dad remarried. He's sealed to her, also. He loves both of them very much (I'm assuming, since he never talks about my mom. But that's a completely different story). So it's great that he gets to be sealed to both of them right?

But what if it was my dad that was dead, not my mom? What if my mom remarried to a great and wonderful guy that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, and who would be a good father? She loves both of her husbands dearly, but can only be sealed to one of them. So she has to make one of the most difficult decisions of her life and pick which one she loves more. 

NOT COOL, MAN. DEFINITELY NOT COOL AT ALL.

Same experience, but a different outcome. Just because one person's male and one person's female. DOUBLE STANDARD, PEOPLE. DOUBLE STANDARD.

I feel unequal when female employees of the Church Educational System and temple ordinance workers are no longer allowed to keep their positions after they have children. 'Nuff said. Not much more I can add to that.

I feel unequal because we know very little about Heavenly Mother and her role in the Godhead and there doesn’t seem to be any emphasis on the part of our leaders to pray and find out more. I don’t know what my divine potential means as a female and that makes me feel less important. Yeah. I don't mean to sound bitter or anything, but it's always about fathers and men, isn't it? I'm tired of that. I really am.

So, I came up with my own list of what makes me feel unequal.

I feel unequal when my brother gets to go home teaching with my dad, but I don't have anything to do with the visiting teaching program.

I feel unequal when the bishop tells me that being a teacher would be a great career, because I would be working while my kids were at school and be able to be home for them when they aren't. (True story, it really happened)

I feel unequal when the deacons pass the Sacrament and the Teachers do their door duty. Doing either of those things doesn't take the priesthood, does it? I can open a door. I can pass a tray around.

I feel unequal when for Mutual us girls do something that has to do with sewing or cooking, and the guys get to go to Table Rock or Jump Creek (best place to hike, ever). It's not like I can up and join them, I guess? Other churches' youth groups do everything together. Equally. They don't split everyone up according to gender and have the girls do something that will help make them a homemaker and mother for the future, and don't have the guys do something that utterly fits the male stereotype of hunting, fishing, hiking, camping, and sports.

I feel unequal when the guys get to go on Scout campouts all the time and Father-Son campouts, while I only get Girl's Camp.

I feel unequal when my dad takes my brother fishing because he's a boy and I'm a girl, so I must not like it, right?

I feel unequal when my dad asks my brother if he wants to go rock climbing, and not me, because I'm a girl so I must obviously not like rock climbing?

I felt unequal when the Sunday School teacher yelled at me for not going to Sunday School, even when I was sick and tired of being the only girl in a class of a bunch of rowdy boys. I didn't get to make the decision to be in the class a year ahead, though if I were born 16 days earlier I would have been in it anyways.

I felt unequal when my parents told me I had to listen to the church leaders (they were specifically talking about the above-mentioned Sunday School prez and the Bishopric) as if they were my parents, because they were in charge of me.

I feel unequal when a guy my age in the ward asks me to make cookies or brownies for him. (It's happened, all right.) So just because I'm a girl, you ask me that? Why don't you ask one of the other guys in the ward to do it? Afraid you'll get laughed at? Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean that I'm your servant in the kitchen. Wait, why in the world are you even randomly asking me to make them for you in the first place??? Why don't you go make them yourself? WHY DON'T YOU GO MAKE YOUR &%$#@! SANDWICH YOURSELF!!

I feel unequal whenever I go to church, mutual, seminary (not as much there, at least), stake conference, firesides, and especially Girl's Camp (I might write about that later). I know that some of the statements above might sound unimportant and trivial, but come on. It's unnecessary for some of these things to even be an issue in the first place.

In what ways do you feel unequal, whether it be in church or in life in general? I want to hear it!

Links:

http://www.religiondispatches.org/dispatches/joannabrooks/6693/mormon_women_declare__wear_pants_to_church_day__december_16

http://www.ldswave.org/?p=402

Picking Apart YW Lesson, "Attitudes About Our Divine Roles"

Sooo, I was looking on Sugardoodle to find some cute little handouts to maybe print and put with the cute little rocks that I made, and I stumbled across this cute little lesson that was in one of the old YW lesson manuals they had before updating them this year.

(I think they got rid of these lesson manuals because girls like me were tired of being told our lives had to revolve around cooking, cleaning, and makin' babies by a bunch of older people of the male gender, but still! They only got rid of them last year... And I remember these lessons, all right.)

Lesson 8: Attitudes about Our Divine Roles

  Ooh hoo. Let's see how my attitude's gonna look when I'm finished with this. 

 http://www.lds.org/manual/young-women-manual-1/lesson-8-attitudes-about-our-divine-roles?lang=eng

 

"Point out that we can have positive or negative attitudes about our divine roles of wife and mother. Some look at these roles as being demeaning and full of drudgery, but our roles are actually a part of a solemn promise that we made before we came to earth. They are part of the blessings that come to us as daughters of God."

 Oh please. Go on.

“We committed ourselves to our Heavenly Father, that if He would send us to the earth and give us bodies and give to us the priceless opportunities that earth life afforded, we would keep our lives clean and would marry in the holy temple and would rear a family and teach them righteousness. This was a solemn oath, a solemn promise” (“Be Ye Therefore Perfect,” address given at the Salt Lake Institute of Religion, 10 Jan. 1975, p. 2).

What roles did we promise to Heavenly Father that we would accept before we came to earth? (We would marry and have a family.)"

So, in other words, I "promised" I would get married? I made an "oath"? I'm not liking how this is panning out.

 "Point out that the worldly view of women’s roles is false partly because it is selfcentered. It focuses so much on a woman’s rights to receive that it almost ignores her opportunities to give. The Lord’s view is a broader one. It focuses on the opportunities of both men and women to love and serve. This view can help us avoid being caught up in selfishness and unhappiness."

So if I wanted to go to school and have a career and stick my kids in daycare while I work, that would be considered "SELFISH"? I would be "SELF-CENTERED"? And who says I can't find opportunities to "give" if I decided to have a career? I'm not even sure what that's supposed to mean in this context, or how it has anything to do with working. We can't all be sitting at home all day making cookies to give to our neighbors all the time.

 Explain that if we believe that life as a wife and mother is routine and boring, it will be. But if we can understand our divine purposes and realize the great potential we have, our role will take on greater meaning than any other task in this world. By cheerfully and enthusiastically supporting our husbands and by bearing, nurturing, and teaching righteous spirits, we can experience the greatest fulfillment."

 So by changing my attitude, I can psych myself out of thinking that cooking all the time and changing diapers can be fun? Okay, I'm really sorry. I'm using WAY too much sarcasm for this. And I know that being a mom can be really awesome and fun, but still. It's kind of hard to change pre-concieved notions by "trying to change your attitude". Does the church offer cognitive behavioral therapy, too?

Okay, the way the last sentence is worded... You can't experience the greatest fulfillment by doing other things, too? Only by having kids, taking care of kids, and teaching them? I'm not saying that's a bad thing, and I'm not saying that you can't get any fulfillment from doing that but still... And I definitely agree with the part of supporting your husband, but that's funny. It doesn't say anything about him supporting you. Now, I KNOW that I'm just being picky with the wording, but that would be nice if the put a little bit of the "equal perspective" in it.

"How can the teachings of the Lord and his servants about our roles help protect us from the dangers of adoption worldly attitudes?" 

 Again. Please see one of the paragraphs above stating why I definitely do not believe that the so-called "world's role" is self-centered and selfish. And OH MY GOSH. I don't think I'm being protected from the "dangers" of believing that it's okay to work and not be a mom. Apparently the teachings of a bunch of older, male individuals telling me how to live my life as a female haven't been sticking in my mindset quite that well.

"A woman should never minimize the tremendous power of being a comfort and help to her husband. He may have need to be comforted and encouraged to perform his roles as husband, provider, leader, or teacher."

That's great, but WHAT ABOUT US? And they're automatically assuming he's the provider. And if I'm reading that in the right context, the leader. Of the family........

“Young women should plan and prepare for marriage and the bearing and rearing of children. It is your divine right and the avenue to the greatest and most supreme happiness” (“Privileges and Responsibilities of Sisters,” Ensign, Nov. 1978, p. 103).

Okay. Prepare for marriage? How, pray tell? Dating? Please be specific. Preparing for "rearing" (who even uses that word anymore?), probably babysitting or changing diapers or something. And prepare for bearing children??? Not exactly sure how you would do that, either. Okay, I was going to say something else, but my [mostly seemingly broken] filter in my brain was setting off its alarm. Aaaanyways, moving on. Having and raising kids is the only way to the greatest and most supreme happiness? Oookay, I'm the kind of person who would definitely want to get married and have kids someday, but what about those who just don't see that as an option? They won't be able to experience their own kind of the greatest joy and happiness? *sigh*.

Bobby McFerrin is singing in my head right now, "Don't worry, be happy!" I think we should all follow his advice, no matter what kind of life we lead, no matter if we have kids or not, no matter if we're married or not.