Depression: What Not To Say

Depression: What Not To Say 

(aka Words Can't Hurt You? Yeah Right. Of Course They Do.)

(aka Please Just Stop. Staahhhp.)

So, I got meeeeself into a mess.

I had just gotten back from a shift a Saint Al's and Winco when I was lazily scrolling through my little Facebook-sidebar thing, glancing at whatever looked interesting. I'm a member of the LDS SMILE Youth Group page (don't ask me why because I don't know either. When was the last time I went to church? Not sure), and saw that a Facebook friend liked someone's post, and I clicked on it.

That probably was a poor decision, because now I'm slightly considering deactivating my FB for a while and I can't bring myself to look at my mounting notifications. How did I get from there to here? My opinions. If you haven't noticed from my blog title, I just really have a hard time keeping my opinions to myself. I can't keep my opinions to myself. True, at school in some classes I'm the opposite of assertive, and I usually don't go into "preach-mode" with people, but if you strike a nerve my thoughts usually start bubbling out of my mouth (or typing fingers) at an amazing, slightly horrifying speed. After reading through this certain post, oh, about five times, I noticed my brain was already coming up with sentences to rebuke this person and his controversial/offensive opinion.

Only now after simmering for an hour and a half (and after compiling the screenshots and memes) have I realized that I hate people who do what I just did. I frequent fMh, and can't stand the comment-trolls who go to that website just to contend with and defeat others in a "holier-than-thou" (and "smarter-than-thou") attitude. Even though I believe that this guy is seriously out of the norm when it comes to opinions on this subject, I feel kind of bashful about it now knowing that I acted like the typical kind of person I dislike, believing that I'm totally right and there is no way in the world or universe that I'm wrong. Even so, I do not excuse my opinion, only the way and method that I shared it. I tried my hardest to be polite, though inside I was pretty dang mad. So now I will do this the right way and turn it into a blog post. I will start off with the original post.

If you want to read a few of the comments I found to be important, they're at the bottom of this post (with a few meme faces thrown in... I had to make it more interesting). 

"I hope I don’t regret posting this. It’s very long, but I think it is worth reading, if not for agreement then for hearing out a new idea. I apologize for the intrusion when much of the conversation has already taken place, but I feel like I have a different angle on a side that hasn’t been truly considered. Okay, I don't want to be contentious or anything, but truthfully, this just kinda shocked me with the black-and-white facts that, even so, you did a good job of clearly presenting. I do realize your point though; It's like when people complain that they failed math because they had a bad teacher. Though a teacher has a lot to do with what you learn, ultimately it is your choice on whether you are going to work for it, and it is not completely the teacher's fault if you fail. Like what [One of the Previous Guy Commenters] said, you choose your attitude, no one else does, and I’ve read a quote that says “Happiness does not depend on what’s outside of you, but what’s inside of you”, and for many people that’s true. But seriously, how can someone who is harassed and tormented every single day, assailed from all sides without a break or helpful hand, be expected to just “let it go”? Have you seen the bullying video that *the church* produced, where a girl is bullied and made fun of consistently at school, and where another girl is cyberbullied by someone saying things to her that no one should ever have to hear or read? It truly affected their lives, and is it really your idea that if they just ignored it and let it bounce off, they’d be fine; that they shouldn’t take something as “superficial” as words seriously?  Do you believe that in high school or middle school, bullying victims should just go through the halls trying to prepare themselves and try to mentally put on a suit of armor, hoping that today the things that their bullies and tormentors say will just bounce off if they have the right attitude? I realize that after a certain point, some people overplay things and act victimized, and that isn’t right; no one should try and use the position of victim to their advantage. But that does mean that words can affect you.

[Original Poster's Name], you said that “if you believe words can hurt you, then you already failed yourself. You fell for Satan’s trap and gave up the idea that you have agency.” You also said, “[Blue Guy in the Comments I Posted Below] you used your agency and chose to be hurt. You control your emotions. Your emotions dont control you.” As someone who suffers from depression, I find those sentences and ideas misinformed and maybe slightly insulting. Again, I’m not trying to be too terribly contentious but with a subject like this many people have strong feelings. Anyways, does that mean that since I have depression, I’m stuck in Satan’s trap and have no agency? There are certain things under our control, and certain things not under our control, as all people must learn throughout life.  ***I’m not saying that depressed folks don’t have negative, pessimistic thought patterns. Of course they do — they  tend to obsess, ruminate, and nit-pick. But blaming an illness entirely on the way they think just isn’t cool, because it puts the bulk of the “blame” for their depression squarely on their own shoulders. There’s a big difference between feeling sorry for yourself (which you are correct in assuming that it is a thought pattern that should be and can be changed) and struggling with depression (which may be caused by more than just one’s own thought pattern, such as a physiological, true-blue chemical imbalance), although sometimes the two go hand in hand.***   

If I’m depressed, and someone starts bullying me, am I supposed to just hold my shoulders high and take it?

If words are not positive and uplifting the situation, in many instances it is negative and pushes things down, making the situation worse. Freshman year I was in a PE class. One day these boys came up to me and asked me why my arm looked kind of weird, why I had scars on it. At the time I believed that if someone asked me they deserved the truth, and that self-harm was a struggle that I had bravely fought and won, and I was proud of that. I told them that I used to cut myself. That was the worst decision I could have possibly made. Every. Single. Day. they tormented me, telling me that I should just go kill myself and that I shouldn’t have children because I was so messed up and disgusting. They called me a f…….... emo (I apologize for the assumed meaning of the word that you could probably be thinking right now), and somehow got a girl in the locker room to shove razor blades and those red ink Bic pens through the holes of my PE locker. They were both behind me in the attendance line so every other day I had to deal with them whispering things to me, calling me every demeaning and insulting name in the high school book, asking me whether I was going to slit my wrist or my throat when I finally listened to them and killed myself. 

 It made every other day a living hell for me. I faked sick to stay home a few times just to get a small break, a small reprieve. I don’t want to keep going on about this, and I apologize if I made it sound like some sob story and made it sound like it’s completely those boys’ fault that I was depressed. It wasn’t their entire fault, but their words, and actions, and decisions contributed negatively to my depression. But even so, please don’t say that words technically and literally don’t hurt me because they’re just a non-concrete, abstract idea.

Let’s think of some hypothetical situations: “You should toughen up.” Saying that to a depressed person completely trivializes and invalidates their feelings at the same time. “You have so much to be thankful for, so why let bullying and nasty words get to you? They can’t actually hurt you.” This does not contain the magical key to one’s mental health. Someone with a chemical imbalance in their brain going around reciting the things they are blessed to have doesn’t change the fact that they have a chemical imbalance that can be treated by medication.  Stress is a physiological condition as well as a psychological one. When you’re stressed you release what is commonly called the “stress hormone”, cortisol. Cortisol and your endocrine system are controlled by the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus also plays a role in “social defeat” (you can wikipedia it, but it sounds fairly self-explanatory) and the physical effects of humiliation in one’s body. (I may be full of crap since I pretty much stole all of that sciency stuff from Wikipedia, but I'm pretty sure it's correct).

 I’m a science nerd, so that might not make too much sense, but the main point is that **outside factors do indeed affect inside functions. You may believe that words can’t hurt you, but though in a literal sense that is the case, it is not the case when you bring feelings and psycho-physiological factors into the picture**. I have a diagnosed mental/personality disorder, called a “Major Depressive Disorder”, or commonly known as clinical depression or recurrent depression. I have been in a psychiatric hospital twice, and trust me, that is something that is definitely not a joke and it really isn’t a picnic, either. I have to go to an *actual* doctor to get meds to try and straighten chemicals and things up in my brain. In cases like that, **depression is not a choice**. (I feel as if I’m overusing the asterisks, but oh well.)

[Original Poster's Name], you are correct with your concrete use of and literal definitions that state that words alone do not make you do something or make you act a certain way. But as with the case of many things, theoretical ideas do not always translate black-and-white in this real, ever-changing world. Words affect feelings, which in turn affect behavior and ideas. There’s no way around it.

 Well, that's it. 

Right now I'm thinking, "guys, guys, come on!" If words didn't hurt, then it'd be okay to go around telling people that they're ugly, that they suck, that they should kill themselves, that no one loves them. That should just sum everything up. You can act like you're invincible, that you're Iron Man or the Tin Man or whatever and that insults and name-calling just bounce right off of you. But we're not robots. (Well, at least, I'm assuming we all are. But I could be wrong; I guess you never know what's out there reading this...)We're all different. We're strong in different ways. We're humans. 

Here are the outtakes/deleted scenes:

 

How 'bout we all just be nice to each other? Okay? I agree to be nice. Well, to try at least. To everyone. Even when it's hard. It's so sad that bullying has become such a problem. I feel like a hippie or something, but come on. Don't make me quote Thumper from Bambi here. Anyone with me?